The Phantom Stranger Template
by Dabbled-at-Euchre
Summary: A tale of the classic, sleazy Howard before Bernadette and a woman who chooses to date him. Takes place just after 2x13 "The Friendship Algorithm."


Thursday night-The living room of Leonard and Sheldon's apartment.

Penny walked in saw all four of the guys and more pizza than normal. She looked around and saw a woman in the bathroom drying her hands. She was a tan white woman with brown hair who looked maybe 30 years old. She wasn't movie star attractive but was good looking.

Sheldon was complaining. "Why does Howard's date have to join us?"

Leonard said, "Well she said it was because she liked pizza and wanted to see Cloverfield with us."

"Yes, but did we have to let her in the social group? It's disruptive to our routine."

The woman said, "You guys realize I can still hear you."

Leonard turned to her and explained "Sheldon's social skills don't always include conversational discreteness." Then he turned to Sheldon "Sheldon social protocol means the people we're dating are associate members of our group."

Sheldon replied "Associate members. Like Phantom Stranger in the Bronze Age Justice League of America. Even though he only showed up for Halloween and issue 200."

"Yes Sheldon. Like the Phantom Stranger."

Meanwhile Sheldon said "Anyway he wasn't the most irritating. Honorary member Snapper Carr was. Can you imagine the incredibly complex robot mind of Red Tornado trying to interpret a non-existent pattern of some non-hero standing there snapping his fingers continuously?"

"IF she does that it's okay for you to say something."

The woman emerged from the bathroom. She acted out trying but failing to snap her fingers and said to Sheldon "No worries."

"That's a relief."

Howard said to her "Sorry about Sheldon."

She smiled at Howard "He cracks me up."

She turned to Penny and said smiling "I'm Sandra. You must be Penny." When Penny nodded. Sandra continued "I hear you're going to auditions." When Penny nodded again Sandra reached in her purse and took out a small notebook. "I ask every aspiring star I meet to sign and date my notebook. So, I can prove I knew you before you became famous."

Penny signed and asked, "Have any of us became famous yet?"

"With those looks you could be the first."

"Thanks. And what do you do?"

"Oh, I'm an architect."

Soon they broke out the pizza and beverages.

Sheldon was where he was expected to be. Penny sat next to Leonard on the couch. Sandra and Howard both sat on chairs on the Sheldon side of the couch. Raj sat on the other side.

When they were all set Leonard put Cloverfield in the DVD player. He said "We almost saw this on the big screen. But Sheldon heard about the unsteady camera work and thought he might get motion sickness."

Except they weren't all ready. Sheldon said, "Actually we can't start yet."

Penny, Leonard, Howard and Raj groaned. Sandra watched.

Leonard said, "What now Sheldon?"

Sheldon replied "Well I did a google search before inner for motion sickness treatments and Ginger Tea helps. Leonard, drive me to the store."

"And you're mentioning this NOW."

"I just did the search before dinner. We all wanted to eat at this time."

Leonard sighed in a resigned fashion.

The two of them left.

Howard said to Sandra "Sorry. He gets like this sometimes."

Sandra said, "With my friends it's worse. Usually it's just the three of us with Elaine and Louisa fighting for dominance. Having an established dictator is easier."

By the time Sheldon had returned and brewed his tea Sandra and Penny had been riding out a Star Trek discussion.

Sandra asked, "So Gene Rodenberry imagined the Federation as a sort of perfect utopia where even money was unneeded."

Howard replied "Yeah. But after he died they went another way. That's why season 4 of Deep Space Nine has a military coup that Sisko had to cancel before it got too ingrained. And season 6 introduced Section 31 as the Federation's dirty trick division."

Sandra nodded. "But Howard, in his original vision how do you imagine men talked to women?"

He looked her right in the eye while his hands acted out holding a nonexistent datapad. "Ensign, I'm updating your personnel file." His eyes dropped lower as he continued "Was your bosom always this large and perfectly round or were you in a fortuitous transporter accident?"

She sounded disappointed as she said, "Of course you'd imagine that."

Penny joined in "At least you were facing him. He used that line on my bottom once. And that was the night we saw the movie with the gross transporter accident." She could have added that she'd told him to go back to ogling the movie's bald chick but held off as he was on a date and she didn't want to poison it too much.

Sheldon clarified her response "Star Trek: The Motion Picture." It was a pointless comment. Everyone who cared which Star Trek film was which already knew and everyone who didn't care didn't find that information relevant. Meanwhile he sat down and began to sip his tea.

Leonard said, "Well are we ready to get started?" This time everyone was.

By the time the movie's plot got going Sandra had apparently forgiven Howard and was holding his hand. He seemed optimistic about his prospects.

After the movie Penny said "I auditioned for this one. I even got a call back before they cast someone else."

Leonard asked, "Which part?"

"Marlena."

Sandra said, "I wish we'd seen you rushed behind a screen just before you blew up!"

Penny said "Thanks!" Then looked unsure a moment later.

Sheldon complained "They wasted an excellent plot to focus on those normal people. With the point of view of the monster and government scientists not shown."

Leonard said "Hang on a minute. Some of us might want the point of view of the ordinary victim."

Raj added "Especially with the monster probably being a baby who's looking for its' mother and not fully aware of the damage it's doing."

Sheldon countered "Absurd. There's more cinematic realism if the harm is caused by an entity who knows what they're doing."

Penny asked ironically "Why did we have to stop the movie twice, so you could brew more Ginger Tea?"

Sheldon replied (missing the irony) "The tea was for motion sickness."

Raj said, "We would have understood better if you'd actually been motion sick."

Sheldon said "It was a prophylactic"

Penny said "Ah, Sheldon a prophylactic is something else."

Sheldon said "No from the Greek word prophylaktikos. A prophylactic is a medicine or measure to prevent disease or infection."

Penny turned to Leonard and held up her glass of wine "So if this drink helps me cope with Sheldon quoting Greek origins of words would it be prophylactic?"

Leonard said, "Yes."

She took a drink the added "And here I thought it was just used for rubbers."

Sheldon said "That's slang. And the same slang terminology is used for goulashes. For clarity you should say condoms."

Penny drank again. Leonard smiled and said, "Another prophylactic dose."

Howard asked Sandra "Should I get you more wine?"

She replied, "Thanks but I need to drive."

"How did you like the movie?"

"Made me appreciate some of the bad parties I've been too." She joked "At least we didn't get killed when a monster attacked."

She continued "Oh it was fun to hang out with all you guys."

Howard smiled.

She turned and said "So Sheldon. You're the keeper of the group schedule. What's the plan for tomorrow?"

"On Friday we have Chinese Food. Usually it's vintage game night. But this weekend the Bijou is having a film festival and we're going to see the 1980 version of 'Flash Gordon.'"

Sandra asked, "What's all playing?" Howard pointed to his phone. She read the schedule on it and asked Sheldon "You don't want to see it Saturday?"

"Saturday is laundry night."

She smiled. "Of course, it is." She turned and said, "Howard I like Chinese Food and I want to see that movie with YOU."

"Then we're both in."

She got up and addressed the group. "I have to head out. But I'll see you all tomorrow." She turned and said, "Especially YOU Howard." She gave him a quick peck on the check then left.

As she left Howard said, "I'll walk you to your car." And followed her out.

He returned almost immediately. Leonard said, "That was fast."

Puzzled Howard said "She said she bought her car used and it's a weird shade of yellow. She's not ready to let me see it quite yet."

Leonard shrugged "That's a little odd."

Howard shrugged and went back to his chair.

Penny said, "So how long ago did you meet her?"

Howard said "About a year ago. At the Shooting Star Club Raj and I danced with her and her two friends."

"And you've hid her from us ever since. While making sleazy comments to try to get me to date you."

"I didn't know I'd made that much of an impression. She left with some muscled guy. I guess she thought he'd feel slighted if she exchanged numbers with me." Howard grinned "Meanwhile her friend Elaine got upset with her dance partner after me. She slammed a few doubles, said 'oh good Howard you're still here.' We danced and went back to my place for one drunken, wild night of passion. Such a spicy dish." He sighed and continued with less enthusiasm "Followed by one awkward next morning and one lunch with me and her two friends that concluded with her pulling me aside and telling me not to call her again. Sandra couldn't exchange numbers with me then even though I was suddenly single because it would seem like bad friend behavior."

Everyone was listening except Sheldon who got on his laptop and ignored them. Penny asked, "Why'd Elaine tell you not to call her again?"

Howard seemed confused "I'm not really sure." Then with more confidence he said "But yesterday when we were in the comic book store Sandra comes in and goes 'Howard! It is you. We should totally catch up.' And this time we exchanged numbers before she left again. And tomorrow will be the first day in the rest of my love life."

Friday Evening-

The six of them ate at a Chinese restaurant. The conversation wandered between a few different topics. During one lull Sandra asked Sheldon about String Theory. So, he explained in complicated detailed sentences using technical terms. Penny showed expressions of boredom.

Sandra listened patiently and said "So your work on String Theory may eventually have application to the masses. But right now, you can't explain it, even to an educated member of the masses like me, in a comprehensible fashion."

Sheldon replied, "I'm more into expressing myself with precision then comprehensibly."

Sandra said "Of course."

Penny got up "I drank too much wine when he was explaining."

Sandra turned to Howard "Have to powder my nose." He nodded as she got up too.

Sometime later they returned. Howard looked up at Sandra. She said, "Penny and I just talked girl stuff."

Some hours later the group emerged from the Bijou continuing a conversation.

Sheldon said, "Actually Penny the way it's so over the top is part of what makes it a cult classic."

Penny said, "And to think in acting class they teach us not to overact."

Leonard turned to Penny and said "But if the movie called for it could you?

Penny said, "Ham it up." She began to overact "Flash! Flash. I love you, but we only have 14 hours to save the Earth."

Leonard smiled.

Right behind them Howard walked hand in hand with Sandra and said "Nice Penny. Now do the bit in the palace scene where Ming zaps Dale with that special feature of his ring. Involuntarily move your body like that and sigh again and again with a smile of overwhelming contentment so they praise your 'responsiveness?'"

As he spoke Penny's face made an expression. (Hint-it was not a smile of overwhelming contentment.)

Sandra sharply said "Howard!" She led him away from the group.

Then broke off the hand holding and said "Did you forget you were hand in hand with me? And you still automatically took the opportunity in unnecessary detail."

"Sorry. Force of habit."

They looked at each other for two heartbeats. Then she smiled forgivingly. "You can make it up to me by doing romantic roleplay."

As he grinned she turned and yelled "Hey Sheldon!" When he looked she continued "Bad news. You guys will have to get by without Howard tonight."

Sheldon nodded and the other four continued leaving. Sheldon said to Penny "I would not categorize Wolowitz's absence as bad. Merely indifferent."

Penny said, "Poor Sandra."

Meanwhile Sandra told Howard "Tonight you're Bond. James Bond."

He asked, "And who are you going to be?"

"I'm one of a group of women. One of us is the villain's henchwoman." She took out a napkin and drew on it then handed it to him. "She has a birthmark that looks like this on her thigh. But you don't know which one of us it is. So, you need to seduce one of us every night and check her thighs. Here's the key part. You need to act ABSOLUTLY NORMAL. If you come off as too intense or too weird I'll tell the other gals and they won't want to date you and you won't be able to complete your mission."

Howard (AKA Bond, James Bond) nodded. Then using an imitation of Roger Moore's voice, he asked "And what do I do when I find her?"

"You tell M. Then you and M. and some female agents meet her in a safe house and try to convince her that she needs to switch sides. But not till long after tonight. Now walk me to my car and I'll follow you home."

They got to her car. As she unlocked it Howard said, "This isn't such an unusual yellow."

"In character James." She replied.

"Right." With faux suaveness he said "I'm using this scooter over here. Just follow me and I'll take you to a place where we can get to know each other better."

Saturday Morning-

Howard woke up. Sandra was sitting near the bed. She smiled at him then came back to bed and they cuddled together, smiling. Sandra got up and walked to the bathroom. When she returned they smiled at each other again. Then Howard said, "Just have to drain the other fluid out of the love muscle."

When he came back from the bathroom Sandra hugged him and they laid back in bed. She said "This is nice. The two of us together facing the day charged up by our intimacy of last night. This is how I always want to remember us." She held her phone to take a picture. Howard smiled, and they posed arms over each other's shoulders. Click.

She disentangled herself "Which is why I set my phone's alarm, so I'd wake up first and delete my contact info and our texts from your phone." She started to get fully dressed.

Howard said "Hunh?"

"Last night was nice. You were good. Not great but good. But we both know it's a matter of time before you say or do something really creepy and ruin it."

"You really think I'll ruin what we have together?"

"Howard do you understand why you and Elaine broke up?" He looked puzzled. She explained "She was going through something. So, she got drunk and went with you for validation. In the morning she remembered you weren't the type of guy she'd usually choose to be with. But you acted nice. She didn't want to believe she made a total mistake, so she took you to lunch with me and Louisa."

Howard was smiling at the memory. Sandra continued "At lunch you bragged to her girlfriends about some of the freaky stuff you two had done. Not the time or the place."

"I could change."

She laughed. "Howard the woman who tames you must have great patience, devotion and firmness. That's not me. I've been with you a couple days and my patience is already quite strained."

She continued "A man of your resourcefulness could find some way of tracking me down. Be a dear and don't make me sully my memories of our good night together by making a scene." She blew him a kiss and smiled.

He automatically smiled back. "Well goodbye then."

She left his bedroom. On her way out, Howard heard her say "Good morning." He braced himself for what would come next.

Sure, enough a loud woman's voice was heard. "HOWARD WHY DID A YOUNG LADY JUST WALK BY ME ON THE TOILET!?"

So, he yelled "BECAUSE MA YOU NEVER SHUT THE BATHROOM DOOR!"

"IS SHE A FRIEND OF YOURS!?"

"SHE WAS!"

"WHY DON" T YOU OFFER YOUR LITTLE FRIEND SOME BREAKFAST!?"

"BECAUSE SHE DECIDED TO LEAVE ABRUPTLY!"

"HOWARD WHAT DID YOU DO!?"

"I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING! THAT'S THE WHOLE POINT MA!"

"HOWARD IF EVERYTHING ISN'T WORKING FINE ON YOU" (brief pause) "DOWN THERE WE CAN SEE A DOCTOR WHO DEALS WITH THAT SORT OF THING!"

"MA! EVRETHING IS WORKING FINE DOWN THERE!"

"HOWARD! IF YOU DIDN'T FAIL IN YOUR" (brief pause) "MANLY DUTIES AS A HOST WHY IS SHE LEAVING!?"

"SHE'S LEAVING BEFORE I DO SOMEHING WRONG!"

"THAT MAKES NO SENSE!"

"I KNOW BUT THAT'S WHAT SHE TOLD ME!"

Saturday Afternoon

Penny was again at Leonard's with the four guys. Howard and Sheldon were each on their laptops.

Howard said, "She just posted some pictures." The others looked. He read the label to the first picture. " Man-child bedroom."

Penny pointed "Your hair is in the shot."

Howard nodded. He scrolled to the next one and read. "Man-child bed." Next was the final one and he read "Me doing the walk of shame back to my car in yesterday's clothes."

Sheldon commented "Grammatically incorrect. It should read 'I am doing the walk of shame back to my car in yesterday's clothes.' Is her bad grammar why she feels shamed enough to walk in unlaundered clothes?"

Penny said "Yes Sheldon. I'm sure that explains it." She gave Leonard a look.

Leonard gave a tiny shrug.

Sheldon added "And when she texted me this morning she ended a sentence with a preposition."

Howard asked, "She made a big deal about deleting her contact info and then texted you with her phone?"

"No, yours."

Howard took out his phone and began to scroll through texts. He read "7:14 AM. Sheldon-Sandra here. About to break up with H. so when you next discuss string theory I won't be around."

Penny looked a bit uncomfortable.

Howard continued. "7:15 AM. To Penny-Sandra here. Mission accomplished. It was actually kind of nice."

Howard read another text "Still 7:15 AM. To Penny. About to break up with H. Take care."

Howard, Leonard and Raj all turned and looked questioningly at Penny. Sheldon turned and looked at her with a very confused expression.

Penny asked, "Sheldon why are you looking at me like that?"

"I'm trying to comply with whatever social norm we're doing. Am I doing it wrong?"

"Yes."

"Sorry." He returned to his laptop.

Leonard said, "Penny is there something you could tell Howard?"

Penny said "Maybe."

(Flashback to Friday night)

In the Ladies' room at the restaurant Penny and Sandra were washing their hands. Penny said, "Usually I don't ask Sheldon to explain things I don't want explained."

Sandra said, "I wanted him to explain."

"You actually care about the ramifications of String Theory?"

"Of course not. But when Sheldon's talking Howard isn't saying sleazy things."

Penny said "I never thought of it that way. Sheldon can be too mind numbingly boring."

Sandra soon continued "Howard is actually nice. You just must get past all the sleaziness. And I mean all. The other night I didn't make it out of the comic book store before he compared the way I looked in those pants to the ass of some super-duper heroine in one of the posters they had up." As Penny nodded Sandra continued "That's why I've kept him with his friends until I'm ready to be alone with him. It minimizes the sleazy comments"

"So, I just got to ask. Why are you dating Howard if you feel he's so sleazy?"

"I hooked up with Jeff."

"Jeff. Who's Jeff?"

"My friend Elaine's ex-fiancé. She dumped him so long ago. And he was just in town for one night. I honestly thought he was fair game. But she got so upset about it. I told her I was sorry. Then she said she doesn't smoke because when she was 14 her dad caught her sneaking a few puffs and he bought a full pack of cigarettes and made her chain smoke them till she got sick. So, she told me if I wanted to date her exes I should date Howard, so we ate where we could watch the comic book store for one of the Wednesday visits he posts about."

Penny had a shocked expression. "She sentenced you to date Howard?"

Sandra continued "When I got up to follow him Elaine and Louisa told me I didn't really have to go through with it, but I don't like backing down from challenges. Besides this will really fix things between me and Elaine. Anyway, I'm starting to get into the idea."

In a strained voice Penny wished her "Good luck."

They left the Ladies' room and returned to their table. Howard looked up at Sandra. She said, "Penny and I just talked girl stuff."

(Flashback ends.)

As Penny related the story she tried to soften it but still felt uncomfortable telling it.

Howard asked, "So she spent the night with me because I was Elaine's sleaziest ex.?"

Penny nodded.

Howard said "All Right! I knew my persistence and keeping focused on the prize would pay off! Just never knew it would be so indirectly!"

The end.


End file.
